


Egged On : Revenge of The Egg-Shitters

by StellarLibraryLady



Series: Stellar Flash Fiction [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: AU, Alien Birds, Bird Eggs, Crack, Dark Humor, Eggs, Explicit Language, Farce, Gen, Giant birds, Humor, Innuendo, Revenge of the Egg-Shitters, Star Trek Humor, The Egg-Shitters' Revenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 16:23:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10575027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellarLibraryLady/pseuds/StellarLibraryLady
Summary: Kirk can't leave Spock and McCoy by themselves for one moment.  Now they've been attacked by giant birds.





	

Jim Kirk blinked. “Excuse me?” His reaction time had been at least two Mississippis long.

"That is when we were attacked by giant egg shitters,” Spock repeated.

If McCoy had said it, Kirk wouldn’t have been so stunned. But Spock?

“That is what birds actually do, Captain. Shit eggs. This species is aptly named."

Kirk looked profound. “I see.”

“The birds turned their backs, bent, and shit eggs at us.”

“Hmm.”

“With amazing accuracy, I might add. The wingless bipeds are awkward and troublesome because of their size. They fit the description of the extinct dodo bird which once resided on Earth and are probably about as graceful. I do not know how they managed to hit us without seeing us, but they did.”

Kirk could envision his intrepid landing party and how they would have reacted. He knew how HE would have reacted if he was first mooned by a giant bird and then saw eggs flying in his direction. “Maybe it was because you didn’t move.”

“We were too stunned to move, Captain.”

“Sorry I wasn't there. I had that emergency meeting at Federation Headquarters, but I’d hoped that you gentlemen could handle routine visits.”

“And we did, Jim," McCoy responded. "Until we came across that flock of egg shitters. We startled them. You don't wanna do that."

Kirk fought back a hum rising in his throat, but kept a placid look on his face. "I can imagine."

McCoy continued. “Prince Elluride explained that there's a problem with the egg shitters crushing anyone taking a nap. Apparently the bird believes the sleeping person has been abandoned and needs to be incubated.”

Once again, Kirk fought back the hum in his throat.

“A nuisance, true, but they are beloved by the people and revered because of their dwindling numbers,“ McCoy explained. 

“Well, apparently they didn’t need too many defensive skills if they had this unique fighting tactic.”

“Indeed, Captain," Spock said solemnly. "I have never had any creature shit at me before. Some on me, but never at me.”

A wild hilarity tickled Kirk’s lips, and he knew that his eyes had lit up with mirth. Kirk swore to himself that if Spock used that vernacular term for bodily elimination once more, he was going to start laughing. And not just laughing, but braying like a donkey.

But Spock was reporting this information so straight-faced that Kirk was convinced he was either the greatest actor who’d ever lived or he’d been set up by someone. And Kirk knew the perfect candidate to have done that, and he was sitting right beside Spock.

Kirk also knew he was going to hate himself, but he had to ask McCoy for further observations of the skirmish.

“Bones, is this an accurate account of what happened?”

“Oh, yes, Jim. Spock described the incident as clearly as I would have. Those birds just leaned over and let us have it. The bad part is that the shells were thin, and the eggs broke from wind resistance as they flew toward us. Sharp edges of the shell shredded the raw egg so that it spattered all over us. It was almost as if somebody had turned on circulating air. That's when the shitters hit the fan.”

Jim Kirk made a humming sound. Laughter had almost bubbled out of his mouth.

“Jim?” McCoy asked with a frown. “Are you alright?”

Kirk got himself under control and even managed to stop the twitching of his lips.

“It sounds like a pretty harrowing experience.”

“Not for us as much as for the birds,” McCoy explained.

“Oh?”

“They were about to go into a reproductive cycle. I understand that getting stirred up by our intrusion could cause the contents of the eggs to redistribute themselves so that instead of chicks being born, there would be this huge serving of scrambled eggs when the shells cracked open. And the material would be hot enough to be eaten.”

Kirk had a vision of Spock and McCoy sitting at a table. White dish towels were tied around their necks, and forks and knives were in their hands. Cracked open egg shells with jagged edges were set before them. Yellow and white marbled contents could be seen glistening inside the shells.

Surely, salt and pepper shakers were set on the table, Kirk thought, and nearly snickered.

“I see,” Kirk said as he covered his mouth so he wouldn’t laugh. “But you avoided the tragedy of scrambled eggs on the half shell.”

His smart remark apparently went over their heads, because Spock and McCoy didn’t even blink.

“Yes, Captain,” Spock put in. “It was just raw eggs that were being shit at us.”

Kirk made the humming sound again. If Spock and McCoy weren’t so serious--

“But it was quite a tragedy with all of those broken eggs everywhere and knowing that chicks wouldn’t be born,” McCoy explained.

“Yes, I can understand that it would be a terrible environmental loss for the planet. Why, gentlemen, after disasters like that, those birds will go the way of the dodo.” 

Kirk’s joke fell flat. McCoy and Spock looked puzzled at him.

Oh, please laugh, Kirk begged. I’m about to bust from holding it in!

Spock shot a quick look at McCoy, but the doctor made a slight shrug of not understanding Kirk, either. 

McCoy continued his report. He couldn’t figure out why Kirk had made the statement he had. “Anyway, we wound up covered with this mixture of egg yolk and albumen, especially on our heads.”

Kirk‘s lips twitched with what he was going to say. “In other words, there you stood with egg on your face.” 

Once again, Spock and McCoy were puzzled instead of amused.

Where were these guys‘ senses of humor?! They'd started this!

“Then what happened, gentlemen?”

McCoy tried to pick up the threads of the report. “Anyway, it wasn’t a complete loss.”

“Oh?” Kirk wanted to know. 

“Yeah. We ate omelets for a week.”

And that’s when Kirk lost it completely.

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing of Star Trek, its characters, and/or its story lines.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [See The Hole In The Wall. That Is Not A Hole, And Neither Is There A Wall.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11041575) by [StellarLibraryLady](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellarLibraryLady/pseuds/StellarLibraryLady)




End file.
